She was still there....

The night before we left for my mother in law's house my husband received a phone call from a friend who lives down the road.  He had gone to my MIL's house to turn the power, water and gas on.  After he turned the water on one of the pipes burst so there was one project that needed to be done on our short trip in.  There were also a few mice surprises that needed cleaned up.  I did about four loads of laundry just so that we could sleep in clean linens and have clean towels.  By the time we woke up the next morning, we still did not have hot water.  We spent the morning cleaning out the cabinets that we did not get to in October and later that afternoon we visited my husbands grandfather and uncle.  We spent the rest of the evening watching a movie and getting into bed early.  The next morning we finished cleaning out the cabinets and disinfecting the house.  The funny thing about the whole trip is that when my MIL was alive it never failed, she always had a project for my husband, whether it was changing lightbulbs or putting her storm windows up.  It was almost like she was still with us, it was almost as if she had planned it that way to keep us from thinking too much about her NOT being there. 

The Long Last Night

The fall chill had started to settle into the air when I hugged my husband and son before they traveled home.  They would be back in four days but the air felt heavy and suffocating.  The baby was playing in the yard with no cares at all.  As I watched my boys drive away, my heart sank even further into my chest knowing that when they came back, she would be gone.  When the car was out of sight, I turned in the direction that my baby girl had been playing and watched her innocence as she pulled the grass from the ground and squealed with enjoyment at what she had done.   My heart was empty and my mind was full.  I watched my little girl play and run for awhile before taking her back into the house where my mother-in-law (MIL) lay in the living room where she had been placed in a hospital bed provided by Hospice care nearly three months before.  The hospice nurse was still there trying to make her as comfortable as possible but at this point the condition had grown worse from before I walked out to say my good byes.  She was gasping, choking and pleading for someone to take her home but there was nothing that we could do but watch in sadness  and horror at  what she had been reduced to by this ugly disease they call lung cancer.  Three hours and four doses of morphine later she was resting as peacefully as she could.    A longtime family friend and I were exhausted and not looking forward to the next few days.  I took the baby and we took a shower, it was my way of getting away from the heartbreak that had overcome my body since my husband left.  I got the baby  and myself ready for bed and told our friend that I would stay with MIL that night.  We watched some t.v. and it was eerily quiet.  Everyone was in bed by 9:00 p.m.  It was quiet and MIL  seemed to be somewhat at peace for the moment.  By 10:00  my heart ached, my head was about to burst and I just wanted to get my baby and run.  I wanted to get out of my nightmare and not look back. The house had a heavy blanket of sadness that was suffocating and I couldn't catch my breath no matter how deeply I breathed, I made myself dizzy just trying to catch my breath  but my lungs had a hole and the air would pass right through.  I couldn't stand the humming of the oxygen machine so I turned the t.v. back on.  I started to fall asleep when it began.  At 10:30 MIL started choking and gasping again.  It had only been a half hour since her last dose of morphine and I didn't want to give her another dose even though the nurses said we could give her a dose every hour.  I went to her side and sat her up to pat her back.  She eased a little so I laid her down but laying her down made it worse.  As she lay there choking and gasping and reaching into the air I watched helplessly and began to cry and apologize because I couldn't take it away.  I grabbed her and sat her back up and pat her back and told her how much I loved her and how sorry I was.  By midnight I couldn't take it anymore so I woke our friend up and asked if she could help me rotate MIL so she could lay on her side.  It had been two hours and I decided to give MIL another dose of morphine even though she wasn't scheduled for another two hours.  It was decided that she would be given a dose every two hours after that.  The more stress she felt the worse her breathing became so we decided to keep her comfortable.  The events of the night are burned forever in my head and I can't get them out.  The night continued as it had started.  It was 5:00 a.m. when things started to settle and there was no way I was going to get any sleep so I decided to put a pot of coffee on and watch the sunrise.  The sun brought a new quiet with it and I began to cry, partly from lack of sleep but mostly because I knew it was only hours before MIL would go home.  MIL passed two days later.  That night will be with me forever and my heart will never be the same. 

I told myself that I would never take anything for granted again.  When I hug my kids, I take everything in.  I see the world for the beauty that God has given to us and I know that he is with us in every moment of our life and we just need to let him in and he is truly our gift and we must not turn our back on him.